Monday, January 20, 2014

Jesus Junkies: In This Case The "Drug" Isn't The Problem, The Junkie Is The Problem

I use the phrase "Jesus Junkie" a lot. In my head I know exactly what I mean when I say it. A very specific face cross my mind. It will probably surprise you to know that face is not Michele Bachmann, Rick Santorum, Mike Huckabee, Rick Perry or the rest of the plastic preacher politicians. Nope. Much more personal for me.

Now don't get me wrong, those zealots are very much Jesus Junkies its just that I was using that term years before I ever gave any of those fundamentalist a thought. You see I'm almost 50 and was born and raised in Texas (lots of unrighteous rednecks ya know). Its more personal than just my heavenly location however, you see I use to be an Evangelical Fundamentalist Jesus Junkie. I also spent close to 3 decades being a Chemical Junkie 

My first 20yrs I brought myself up in the church. My parents didn't attend. By the time I was 11 I was preaching at my home church and by 13 was preaching in small and large churches around Dallas. I condemned everyone but provided away out of the fires of hell if one would just submit to Gods will which happened to always be my will.

I condemned those that drank,smoked,danced,listen to the wrong kinda of music,dress the wrong kind of way,had sex with people,had sex with themselves....and God I hated fags. They are an abomination you know. I was strung out and bound up in doctrines of man and dogma's of devil. In all my preaching and condemnation I don't think I ever convinced a "non-believer" to believe..I think I drove most away.

As I got older a problem reared its head. You see, I'm Gay. Lord help.

Because of the teachings that I had been raised around I prayed a lot. I would lay prostrate on my bed and for hours crying out to God "Please Please Don't Let Me Be Gay". I was consumed with fear and self-loathing. Depression raged through my soul. Other things happening in my life at the time that compounded my sadness and suicide was becoming an option.

Drugs:
Something to make me numb, make me not feel. Something to skew my reality. A reality I did not like.
By the time I was 25 I had met that special someone and together we came out. WHAT A HIGH.
You cannot imagine the pure fear that raced through my heart the moments before I told my parents that I was gay. You'll never understand the tears that comes from the fear of rejection and abandonment even as an adult. You'll also never know what its like to speak the words for first time to someone you love trust and admire that you are gay. Its irrelevant on a personal level how you are received. The feeling of breathing a full deep breath of air for first time ever is nothing short of rapture. Its been said by other that they wished they could come "out" daily because of the rush of liberty,freedom and honesty that over takes you.

After I came out the drugs still continued and got worse. Decades past. For reasons I really can't explain I had a moment of clarity and said this is stupid. Its not fun anymore and I don't know if life still sucks or not because I've been away from reality and feelings for oh so many yrs. In my stubbornness I said "I'm done"
Now to be transparent I still occasionally have a glass of wine and I enjoy a little weed. I'm not blitzed on pills,coke or meth anymore and I see much clearer and realize life is dealt with more accurately and successfully when you are not "3ft thick"

Back to the Junkies

I believe the reason people get "strung out" on religion and drugs is exactly the same. Escape. An attempt to alter reality.Don't get me wrong I don't think faith is a "sickness" but I think religion is a drug.

“Emotional excitement reaches men through tea, tobacco, opium, whisky, and religion.” — George Bernard Shaw 

As surly as I can enjoy a drink or a toke without it being destructive to my life or those around me I can "believe" also without being self-destructive or a threat to family friends and society.
The harder the drug and the deeper one delves into it the greater chaos that is created.
The more "fundamental" the faith the more the world can only be viewed as black or white. That's a problem because life is full of gray

Paul told Timothy to drink a little wine for his stomach sake. Christ turned the water into wine at the wedding feast
That same book also says not to be drunken unto wine with excess.
Hydrocodone can eliminate pain and can serve a compassionate purpose when taken as recommend by a doctor.

Its the excess
The moment the drug or the religion begins to alter you in negative ways... you have a problem.
There is a saying that goes "If everyone you know is telling you there is a problem, if everyone you come in contact with sees your view is skewed, then at least you should maybe reevaluated your position.

Its not the drugs...its the addicts
Its not Jesus...its the junkies