Saturday, May 10, 2014

Shirley Holloway, and some other things.

A little over a week ago I wrote an entry about Shirley Holloway, in which I quoted her saying that the homeless and poor who are on the system do not dream.  I lamented that those who are homeless or poor do dream.  We dream of days gone by, we dream of a nice future.

Honestly I would prefer not to dream.  I could do without a slumber in which I remember the past.  I could do without dreams to better times gone by.  There is nothing worse than dreaming of animals long since passed, birthdays and holidays of the past.  I could do without dreams of the future, in which things have finally gone my way.  I could do without dreams of where my life should be, or would be without the actions of others, or if I had made different decisions. 

Dreams suck in my book, and I am probably not the only one who feels or has felt that way.  What most people consider a good dream is just crap to me.  Useless information that my brain is processing while it resets while I sleep.  An unwanted remembrance or view into reality that does nothing but break my heart once again.  For me, its like someone dreaming of a parent they loved who has recently passed away.  It just opens up old wounds that you don't want to deal with.

Maybe Holloway wanted to say that poor and homeless people don't want to dream, not that they do not dream.  We all dream, its a function of the brain, one we do not really understand.  Animals dream, its why your dog will sometimes growl, yip, run, or howl while sleeping.  They are dreaming, just as we do.  Sometimes, it has been said to me, that I talk in my sleep, but those who have heard me, will never say what I said in my sleep.  Likely because it is something unpleasant.  Personally I would like to know what my subconscious mind is thinking.  I know, they say the subconscious is unthinking, and without awareness, but I have my doubts, it is what is in control while you are sleeping, unable to control it.

Maybe for some people these dreams help cope with their situation, a temporary break from an otherwise bleak perspective of life.  Maybe it is a temporary stay from the mind numbing existence people face in life.  But for me, it is just an added form of torture.  As if needing to depend on food banks from time to time, asking people to help me gather money, and otherwise focusing on surviving the heat of the summer or the bitter cold of the winter, it is just another thing that adds to that.  Almost like a shot that says see where you were, see where you are.  Your life sucks.