Sunday, November 8, 2015

Depression

Have you ever felt blue.  For whatever reason thoughts come into your head and blink out of existence in mere seconds.  You struggle to even get out of bed?  Yeah, you might have a touch of depression, and as I sit back and look over these past several months, I notice that I haven't done much of anything here.  Stories and entries I have started are sitting unfinished, and at best only a small handful ever see the light of day.

I just have no real motivation to do anything.  Even at work I find that I am on auto-pilot.  I show up a little early, I do what needs to be done, I clock out when told to, and if asked if I can stay longer I do.  I laugh, tell jokes, stories to co-workers and customers, they laugh, they see me as a goofy guy.  A regular Robin Williams it seems.  Sad thing is, its just the mask I wear at work.  Its funny, in its own sad way. 

What I find disheartening after everything that has happened to my family, myself included is that things are finally starting to become normal.  In ways, things are getting better for us.  Yet, nothing has changed.  It seems the catalyst for this was my father's passing.  I don't understand why, but the events leading up to his death, and the events that followed seem to have left me unable to find my motivation. 

The facts are as follows.  I often refer to myself as a dog online, otherwise I am just a cog in the wheel where I work.  I am easily replaced there.  I have difficulty sleeping at night, getting going in the morning.  Seriously, I could main line straight caffeine and still wouldn't be able to get going.  As I said previously, things are getting better, they have been for a few months now, but yeah it will fall apart.  I got a job, but lets face it, it only pays for gas to get there and food to eat while there.  I applied for full time, but it was actually a part time job.  And just because I feel meh most of the time, I will drop the hammer and go ballistic in a minute over some of the dumbest things imaginable.  Oh hey, the neighbors dog is barking at me...  I want to kill it because it is an annoying yappy piece of crap that won't shut up.  Or, oh hey, someone is knocking on the door, they want to talk about some nonsense that I don't care about.  Yuppie.  Then there are the times when I really think my heart is about ready to explode when I look at my phone and see its yet another bill collector wanting money that I do not have.

So, here are my choices to make.  Continue to struggle along, keep going through the motions of it or until I get out of this funk...  Go get some medical help, possibly become a drug zombie, because we all know that pills solve everything, and hey everyone needs some "happy time".  Yeah, as soon as I get medical insurance I am going to see a counselor about it, maybe I can work through almost four years of hell, and get to the point where I don't blow up over every little thing.